Psychology Today: David Duchovny and Tea Leoni: The Ex-Files - Can Their Relationship Survive Sex Addiction?

What We Can Learn From The Trials And Triumphs Of Celebrity Relationships

Posted July 18, 2011

Most of us don't yet know what is behind David Duchovny and Tea Leoni's second break-up in their 14-year marriage, but it is hard not to wonder if David's admitted sex addiction played a role. When the couple split for a few months in 2008, Duchovny talked openly about his addiction and checked himself into a treatment center.

While there are other possible causes swirling around out there regarding that first break-up, including an alleged affair Leoni may or may not have had with Oscar-winning actor Billy Bob Thornton, I would think that the sex addiction had to be involved. Addiction of any kind is a formidable beast to wrestle with. When one spouse struggles with an addiction to drugs, alcohol or gambling, it can shake a marriage to its core. Sex addiction can do that sort of damage and even more because it destroys the crux of the marital union, shattering the very foundation of sexual attraction and fidelity between husband and wife, and can literally rip apart the vows themselves.

For his part, it seems Duchovny has certainly attempted to slay his dragon. Not only has he sought help, but interestingly enough, Duchovny plays a character on Showtime's Californication who is addicted to sex. There is something to be said for trying to channel your problems into a creative endeavor. Maybe, he figured, if he could act out his urges on television, it would be easier to rein them in in real life. Or maybe it was a little too close to home.

The label of sex addiction is being put on more and more celebrity debacles these days, from Tiger Woods to the more recent media frenzy surrounding former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner. In Woods' case, his marriage did not survive. In Weiner's case it is too early to tell but the New York Post reported that his wife is taking some time away from him. So when faced with this, when and how does the other spouse decide it's time to get out? What if there are children, as there are in Duchovny and Leoni's case? Or a pregnancy, as there is in Weiner's case? What if, despite the addiction and all the problems that brings with it, there is still love between the two people?

I see struggles like this regularly in my practice and when my patients make that huge decision to remove themselves from their marriage it is usually when it becomes clear that the addiction has become bigger than they are. Before that happens, the couple may decide to work hard to fix everything, and the other spouse may even develop an addiction of his or her own, that of trying to help their troubled partner. It is not impossible to work through it, some couples do, but oftentimes the addiction is too strong to get it under control and the other person finally recognizes that the only way to end the suffering is to remove themselves.

There are other possible repercussions as well. If there was an affair with Billy Bob, that might have been Leoni's way of redeeming things for herself after the hurt caused by her husband's addiction. Sometimes people feel that to do to their partner what was done to them is not only a way to level the playing field, but it is also a necessary step in order to restore their sense of desirability. It might look like the cause of a marital rift, but in fact, the damage may already have been caused by the ramifications of the addiction and the first sexual betrayal.

The true rock bottom comes when the one spouse finally understands that the real crisis has turned into one of a loss of respect for their partner, and it is at that point that it becomes impossible to continue to live with them. Finally there is a choice to be made, because once respect for your partner is gone, if you stay in the marriage, the next thing likely to go is self-respect. Regardless of where the marital crack began, if you or your spouse no longer trust and respect each other, even if there is love, it just might not be enough.