Can You Choose When You Fight?

Have you ever argued with your partner in public, making a commotion? It's humiliating, and almost everyone wants to avoid creating a scene. So what happens when he says something insulting at dinner but you don’t want to start something while you’re out? You are chomping at the bit and more than ready to talk by the time you get home, but your partner is ready to go to bed. What do you do?

Two strong people, two very different needs at one given moment. In my book What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship I explain about hitting the hold button. You can’t always talk about everything the minute you want to, because you don’t want to have a spat out in the open, and might not be able to talk the minute you get home depending on what’s going on with the other person, so knowing about this option can come in handy. If you’re the person who is too tired to talk, the skill is to know to hit the hold button and let your partner know that you want to and will talk to them about the issue, but just not then. And give them the time that you will. In this way, your partner won’t feel overpowered or controlled by your needs. If they know they can look forward to talking things through with you at a designated time, then hopefully they can be empathetic rather than feeling rejected by you and taking your needs personally.

Hitting the hold button is a tool that can be used at any time when one person wants to talk and the other can’t or won’t for whatever reason. Work together to understand where you’re each coming from, and settle on a time when you can both focus on each other without distraction. Think of it as your bridge over troubled water. Not only does it carry you from your argument to a suitable time to talk, it also builds in some often-needed cool down time.