Psychology Today: Sofia Vergara: The Modern (Dysfunctional) Family--With Addiction, Whose Responsibility Is It?
What We Can Learn From The Trials And Triumphs Of Celebrity Relationships
Posted August 14, 2011
Television actress Sofia Vergara makes us laugh about family problems on her hit ABC comedy Modern Family, but in real life these days her family situation is anything but funny. Her older brother was murdered in Colombia in 1998 following a failed kidnapping, and now her younger brother Julio is in the fight of his life as he is in the process of being deported back to Colombia because of his numerous arrests for drug charges. Sofia isn't standing on the sidelines but is instead doing everything she can to help him. She is turning a tough situation into possible good. The Huffington Post reported that, with the help of her mother, she has managed to send Julio back to Colombia, instead of fighting the deportation, to find intensive drug treatment at a well-respected facility there.
Sofia isn't alone. So many people - siblings, parents, grandparents - get sucked into helping a drug-addicted family member. It was reported that Tatum O'Neal recently attended, along with their father Ryan O'Neal, her half-brother Redmond's hearing during which he was facing felony charges for being in possession of heroin as well as a handgun. Redmond, 26, the son of Ryan and the late love Farrah Fawcett, has been in and out of rehab and jail for drug addiction.
So all of this begs the question, how involved should these siblings become? What lengths should they go to help their ailing brothers? When is enough enough?
In my book Adult Sibling Rivalry: Understanding The Legacy of Childhood, I talk about the Super Sibling, a role people take on because of the intense desire to help someone they love who they know is suffering. The
Super Sibling does everything in his or her power to help the ailing sibling and, as is often the case, is largely motivated by guilt which stems from the idea that they could and should do more. Super Siblings are afraid that their sister or brother will remove himself or herself in anger from the family or that he or she won't be able to function without their help so they go along with the constant demands. To make the situation even harder, oftentimes this becomes the person's expected role in the family so not only is there the push coming from the sibling, but also from their parents and other siblings who come to expect that they will handle everything and make it better. All of this contributes to the feeling that they are never giving enough to their sister or brother and, therefore, not being a good enough sibling. The truth is, though, that in their sibling's eyes, no matter how much they give, it will never be sufficient. Because of the nature of addiction, their sibling will always expect and look for more.
Where do you draw the line then and how do you deal with the guilt that comes from the fact that, in your sibling's eyes, you are not doing everything you possibly can? If you are struggling with this it is so important that you are clear in your expectations of yourself because those are the things you can actually achieve and control. You have to determine that you are comfortable with what you are able to give and do considering the parameters of your own life. The key is that you are making a choice about the way in which you will help and how far you will go so that even if your sibling feels you could do more, you know you have lived up to your own goals. Getting the addicted sibling to rehab and putting the supports in place is usually enough - it is from there that the responsibility shifts to the person with the drug problem who must learn to cope and ultimately seek freedom from the drugs. At some point you have to step back and allow your sibling to take ownership of the situation, otherwise you will perpetuate the problem because then there is only continued denial and the ongoing drug use.
What Sofia and her mother have done for Julio is commendable. If they get him to the rehab facility and are then able to step back and leave the rest to him, they have done just enough.
