Psychology Today: The School Of Hard Knocks: When Is It Time To Grow Up?
Psychology Today: What We Can Learn From The Trials And Triumphs Of Celebrity Relationships
Posted June 17, 2011
We see it over and over again: a married politician falling from grace because he couldn't resist another woman. But what has unfolded this week with New York Congressman Anthony Weiner is different from what we saw with John Edwards and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They had full-blown extramarital affairs, intimate relationships which for both of them included fathering a child. Weiner, on the other hand, might have given it all up for some sexting.
By now it would be almost impossible to not have heard about the picture Weiner sent via Twitter to a college student of his erect penis. At first he lied, denying that he had sent it, but then admitted to it at an emotional press conference for which his wife Huma Abedin was absent. He also said there were other sex-themed photos that had not yet been released to the media, as well as ongoing conversations and flirting of a sexual nature with various women across the country over the Internet. This qualifies as hardcore sexting.
That got me thinking that sexting, really, is typical behavior for teenagers. Given our culture and technology, it has become the new make-out session for teens, the vehicle for dating and breaking up while looking to build one's identity and self-esteem. The more people you text and sext with, the more popular you are and, consequently, the more self-confident you feel. According to statistics offered by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, twenty percent of all teenagers have posted or sent nude or semi-nude photos of themselves, and one third of all teenage boys and one quarter of girls have seen nude or semi-nude cell phone pictures that were meant to be private.
But apparently this type of behavior doesn't always stop when you reach adulthood. Many people who may not have felt popular in high school can become stuck in an old role where they weren't part of the in-crowd, and didn't get the girl they wanted or the attention they craved. They continue to carry that vulnerability with them. Given the volume of sexting that went on with Weiner, he is right on par with this type of adolescent behavior. His actions appear to be his effort to move beyond whatever went on for him in high school. Considering the headlines and the fun poked at his name in just these last few weeks, there is a good chance he endured even more adolescent humor about it growing up as a teen. He was likely ridiculed because of it, maybe he was not as popular as he wanted to be, or even shy. It seems he is still looking to be chosen for the prom king that he never was during those critical years.
Much of his career motivation seems to be about being desired by beautiful women. Weiner has long had a playboy reputation. He made national news as a freshman congressman in 2001 when he was mentioned in a Vanity Fair story about sexual politics on Capitol Hill. Through the sexting and connecting with other women, he is seeking validation that he is no longer on the outside but instead a powerful politician who women want. He is proving that he can now not only have his wife, but have that much-coveted "it" girl, too. The one most teenager boys are on a constant quest for. Ultimately, Weiner is still trying to affirm his desirability. He is looking to leave the high school kid behind but, in fact, it is like he never left high school. For Weiner this became his Achilles Heel, and his striving to get the women has become an attempt to heal it. But, really, it's left him looking like a heel.
Interestingly enough, even the recipient of his sexting tweet, Gennette Cordova, was named by her high school graduating class most likely to be involved in a tabloid scandal. Perhaps she was the kind of girl he wanted to date in high school but never could, and now that he has the fame that she was after he could finally get "that girl."
His initial reaction to lie about the photos also falls right into line with adolescent behavior. Teenagers are young, feel invincible and don't expect to get caught, believing they can get away with anything. Many people have asked, what was he thinking? I would say that he wasn't thinking. His actions were driven by the intense needs from his past that compromised his ability to use basic good judgment which would have helped him refrain from engaging in this explosive, and self-destructive, behavior.
For some adults it seems this abundance of technology might be making it harder to complete the journey from adolescent longings toward maturity and responsibility. The easy picture-sending with cell phones and various social networks is tempting, and for some it doesn't feel as though they are cheating on their spouses because it harkens back to the flirting that went on in high school. But there is no question that it does cross an appropriate boundary. When you are an adolescent, it is one thing. When you are an adult in a committed relationship, it is another. Knowing when it is time to grow up is a hard lesson to learn.
