Psychology Today: How Long Does It Take to Recover from Trauma?
Updated April 9, 2025
Trauma is a hot topic with celebrities, and many of them are talking about their distress years after they experienced it. In her new book I Am Maria: My Reflection on Heartbreak, Healing and Finding Your Way Home, Maria Shriver shares deeply personal poems, some of which directly address the affair her ex-husband, Arnold Schwarzenegger, had with their nanny.
Shriver learned of the affair well over a decade ago, but her book was just published. It is years after the harm was done, but she is only now choosing to publicly talk about it.
Similarly, E. A. Hanks, Tom Hanks’ daughter, is currently releasing her book, The 10: A Memoir of Family and The Open Road, in which she retraces a painful childhood living with a mother who suffered from mental illness. In Kelsey Grammer’s book Karen: A Brother Remembers, he recounts the murder of his sister. She was killed almost 50 years ago, but his book will come out in May.
And in a recent podcast, actress Lisa Rinna revealed that her mother had been brutally attacked by a serial killer. The incident occurred in 1960, but she is talking about it now.
Why are so many people choosing to share intense emotions with the rest of the world, and why are they doing it so long after the event occurred that sparked those feelings? Shouldn't they be over it by now? many believe.
The pain of a disrupted childhood, the ruptured trust of infidelity, the loss of a sibling, an attack on a parent—these are the kinds of experiences that can reverberate for a lifetime. That doesn’t mean one must be chronically sad or pained as intensely as during the first few weeks and months after the precipitating event.
For those who have experienced trauma, the goal is to find a way to carry on despite the troubling events endured. The question becomes, how do you do that? How do you get to a point where you can move forward?
Back to Being "Normal"?
So often the expectation people have of themselves—and that others have of them—is that there is a time limit for grieving or processing what has happened. They are waiting for you (and you are waiting for yourself) to just get back to being “normal”.
One of my patients lost her identical twin sister in a car accident. It was a devastating experience for her. At one point early after the accident, she asked me, “Am I supposed to be over my grief?”
I was dumbstruck. When I asked her why she was asking that question, she told me that her supervisor at work had indicated that, since the accident had happened six months earlier, she should have bounced back by now. What was even more striking was the fact that her boss was a mental health practitioner. If a therapist couldn’t appreciate the magnitude of what the young woman was feeling and the impact of her twin’s death, one can only imagine what other people’s expectations are.
I assured my client that there is no timeline for grief and dealing with trauma. It is important for people to have the opportunity and time to process the pain and emotional havoc. Trauma is like an underground landmine you can’t see but nonetheless exists and can remain active. You might think you can bury it, but it can affect relationships for the rest of your life if you don’t excavate it.
One couple I worked with after an infidelity was trying to get through the betrayal of trust. The husband told me he’d been apologizing to his wife for almost two years and asked how long he had to continue apologizing. I explained that she needed to know that he could empathize with her distress and feel the pain he had caused her—and until he earned back her trust, the apologies were necessary. They were the healing balm that allowed her to see he understood her.
I tell people coping with trauma, you don’t get over it. You get on with it. How do you do that?
The most essential thing you can do is to recognize that what you lived through becomes a part of who you are; doing that enables you to accept all the feelings it can evoke. Sometimes that happens only years after the event.
You don’t have to write a book to work your way through it, but you do need to find an outlet – someplace where you can express your thoughts and emotions. because that is a powerful key to healing. Find a way to express your pain rather than keep it buttoned up and locked away where, hidden, it can fester and grow.
Embarrassment and shame can prompt you to hide what you went through. However, by opening up and confiding in a friend, a person you trust, joining a support group, writing in a journal, or seeking out therapy, you can take those first steps toward lessening the burden. Whatever vehicle you choose, it’s important to find a means of grappling with the pain and recharting your life course.
If you are met with a dismissive response by anybody, it’s likely that they are uncomfortable and don’t know what to say to soothe you. Rather than getting discouraged and shutting down, push yourself to reach out somewhere else.
Getting on with it does not mean getting over it and forgetting what happened. It means accepting that you will always remember it. Sharing what was once a source of shame will enable you to release your pain. There’s no time like the present.
