Psychology Today: In Sickness and in Health: Being There for Your Ex?

October 9th, 2025

Almost every married couple recited it in one way or another as they took their vows: in sickness and in health. Despite the fact that most people say it at the height of their health and hope, they promise to take care of each other no matter how difficult it might get. It isn’t something that’s easy to think about or even imagine. But when a spouse becomes ill, it can take a toll on even the happiest people.

What happens when your marriage is in trouble or you’ve already called it quits and your ex or soon-to-be-ex has a health crisis? Kelly Clarkson set aside the negative feelings that she had openly discussed after her cantankerous divorce from Brandon Blackstock to care for him as he battled melanoma earlier this year (he died of the cancer in August, at age 48).

During what turned out to be the last months of his life, she postponed a Las Vegas residency and had guest hosts fill in for her on her daytime talk show. Admittedly, she was motivated to be present for their two children, but it has also been reported that she compassionately cared for her ex during that time.

Similarly, actor Eric Dane and his wife, Rebecca Gayheart, were in the process of getting a divorce when he was diagnosed with ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. It was reported that Rebecca dismissed the divorce case in March, to support Eric after receiving the diagnosis of what is likely to be a terminal illness. “It brought us all together,” she told USA. Today.

So, the question becomes, when can you suspend the complicated and often devastating feelings surrounding the end of a marriage to take care of someone you once thought would be your life partner? Can a catastrophic illness be a catalyst to put aside your own pain and disappointment to honor the vows you took in rosier times?

It’s difficult enough to deal with a major illness when you are still in love. The uncertainty and anxiety illness generates can be utterly draining. Just keeping track of doctor’s appointments, medications, and medical details can obscure any bigger picture.

The sick partner is often not themselves, and the healthy partner must become the caretaker, not knowing when or whether their partner will return to what they once were. And that’s when things are good.. It’s another thing entirely to be confronted with infirmity after a marriage has ended. It could be easy to walk away or stay away. What does it take to stay or come back and to provide care in the face of so much unknown?

There are three things that equip a person to make that choice. The first and most important is the ability to let go of any residual anger. The endings of failed marriages are typically fraught with sadness, rage, and extremely hurt feelings. But there is no way someone can care for another person if they continue to hold onto such feelings. It is necessary to intentionally release such negativity.

The second requirement is the capacity to overcome any denial about the former partner, accepting the ex for who they are instead of who you might have wanted them to be. That will help end the fighting, or the need for redemption, that likely led to the end of the marriage –whether it was over an affair or a financial betrayal or another inequity. It involves working through unresolved feelings to arrive at acceptance.

Which leads to the final and most important step: forgiveness for whatever transpired between partners, so that it is possible to deliver care and kindness to a once-beloved in their time of need.